i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
