maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
