Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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