omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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