Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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