ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
pray to the hookup gods
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
