Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
