Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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