grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
