He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
