found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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