i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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