I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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