I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He shit in the fireplace
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
