I puked a lego.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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