My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
