I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
