I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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