I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
