conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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