I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
