I think I won the penis lottery.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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