I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
