Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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