My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish life had little blips of pornography
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
