This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You have to summon your inner elephant
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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