Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
