K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
