Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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