Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
