If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
