I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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