ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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