Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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