I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
