first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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