I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
