Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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