I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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