My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
