Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize