sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
