hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
