Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
