Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
