My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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