How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
