a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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