I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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