so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
