i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
