I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
