I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
