Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
being pregnant is like rehab
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
