I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
