you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
