So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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