I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
