yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
