I accidentally burped into my bong.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
