This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
