i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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