The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
