you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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